Themiclesian-Kolodorian Hyper War
| Themiclesian-Jedorian Hyper War of 4096 BCE | |||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Part of Pre-Sperg Era | |||||||
 Map of the two factions before the war | |||||||
| |||||||
| Belligerents | |||||||
| Greater Themiclesian Space Empire | Grand Jedorian Collective | ||||||
| Commanders and leaders | |||||||
|
Emperor Beans CLXVI ProZD |
Commander Yprin Yukishuma Bob the Builder | ||||||
| Strength | |||||||
|
91 million ground troops 500,000 ninjas 23,000 starships Beans Gang |
122 million conscripts 300 Raptors A whole Pirate ship Patrick Star | ||||||
| Casualties and losses | |||||||
|
12.3 million killed 39.6 million wounded 250,000 ninjas killed Hundreds of Beans spilled |
A Yellow Submarine All the Lonely People Additional Beatles References Dignity | ||||||
The Themiclesian-Jedorian Hyper War of 4096 BCE was the most destructive and violent unarmed conflict in all of pre-recorded human history. Waged across every known dimension of space (and some unknown ones), the war lasted from April 39 to January 2 (14 September on the Mayan Calendar) and resulting in moon-shattering ramifications for both the Greater Themiclesian Space Empire and the Grand Jedorian Collective, whom were the two primary combatants. Historians have traditionally divided the war intro three and a half phases; the Opening Moves, in which the Themiclesian Space Fleet was able to inflict defeat after defeat on the Jedorians, followed by the Middle Phase, when Jedorian counterattacks successfully spilled them beans, and the Endgame, which we are forbidden to speak of.
Following a period of intermittent fighting that resulted in a stalemate for (t = (wa^5IQ/3G^(2/p)k^2R^5)) years, the Themiclesian discovery of the Halo Array proved instrumental in proving the Jedorian forces were actually just a bunch of pussies who gave up just because they all died.
The conflict in of itself is considered to mark the end of the Pre-Sperg Era, after which Septentrion became dominated by fags who think obsessing over line art is a suitable alternative for getting laid. The collapse of the Grand Jedorian Collective effectively ended what was widely considered the Jedorian Golden Age, as Jedoria would never recover and remains a shithole to this day. Themiclesia would rebound over who gives a fuck about Themiclesia.
Background
The years prior to the war were dominated by the Jedorian-Theiclesian Cold Space War (Cold War in Space? Space Cold War?) as the two powers attempted to gain control over the Border World Xen, which would've allowed either side to gain a complete monopoly on shitty alt rock that Cozy insists on listening to for the entire fucking car ride. Prior to the official outbreak of hostilities, both sides engaged in numerous special operations efforts including the deployment of the Themiclesian 666th SS Orange Panzergrenadier Shock Marine Airborne Mechanized Infantry Division and the Jedorian 5th Cucks Battalion, neither of which accomplished jack shit, because FUCK SPECIAL FORCES.
Outbreak
The war officially began after the Jedorian Grand Collective uploaded a hilarious meme to Facebook that for some reason only got 6 likes even though it was fucking hilarious and should've gotten at least 20. Driven by desperation to finally get their ex to notice them again, the Jedorian Political and Morale Commander Yprin Yukishuma arranged a deal with Karen over custody of the children, which the Themiclesian Emperor Beans CLXVI was not made aware of. Outraged that Karen took the kids, Beans CLXVI promptly declared war on the Grand Jedorian Collective.
Fielding a giant fleet of 23,000 star ships against a Jedorian fleet of nothing, Themiclesia originally enjoyed a major advantage, able to submit Jedorian cities and industrial centers to orbital bombardments that the Jedorians had no defense against. The effectiveness of the orbital bombardment campaign was however limited since Themiclesian starships were only equipped with bean and water based weaponry, and Jedorian factories and cities were largely immune to beans and water balloons.
In early spring the Jedorians counterattacked by marching across Casaterra and invading the Themiclesian client state of Nukkodudeland, threatening to spill the war onto Themiclesian soil. Led by their voracious commander Bob the Builder, the Jedorians were able to push the Themclesians back to the walls of the Forbidden City.
Stalemate
Fighting far from their own supply lines however, Jedorian forces soon become bogged down in brutal urban combat against hardened Themiclesian veterans and lots of ninjas. Heavy fighting raged across Hemithea in tons of violent and epic clashes that would probably be really interested to read about, but I'm not getting paid by the word count so to sum it up: Boom boom bang! Bang bang boom bang! Ratatatatat! Kerpow! Kerpow! Boom!
Despite fighting well, a war of attrition favored Jedoria since Jedorian bitches could pump out babies faster than Themiclesians could (Balts outproducing Chinese? Crazy, right?). Realizing that a protracted conflict inevitably would end in a Jedorian victory, the Themiclesian Science and Youtube Minister ProZD began formulating a strategic move to capture the legendary Halo Array which would be able to turn the tide against the Jedorian onslaught.
Discovery of the Halo Array
To facilitate the discovery of the Halo Array, the Themiclesian Task Force Beans Gang was dispatched through the border world of Xen to search through various portals and shit to find and locate (isn't that the same thing, find and locate?) the Halo Array. After an exhaustive 11 minute search, Beans Gang located the Halo Array and was able to activate the super weapon, effectively annihilating the Jedorian armies and all life in the galaxy.
Jedorian Retreat
Faced with the fact that they were all dead, the Jedorians were forced to beat a hasty retreat back to their homeland of Vinya, their efforts hampered by the fact that they were all dead and it was physically impossible for them to do anything because once you're dead you're dead. Jedorian efforts to re-establish defensive lines in Casaterra were undermined by Themiclesian air power and the fact that all the Jedorians were dead. The Themiclesian advance was slowed however by three god damn seasons of filler episodes before finally the Jedorians were pushed back to the original pre-war borders.
Ending and Aftermath
Faced with the complete collapse of their war strategy and the fact that they were all dead, the Grand Jedorian Collective surrendered on 2 January 4096 BCE, effectively ending the war. Sporadic fighting would occur throughout Xen because nobody bothered to tell the forces there the fighting was over. Both sides were heavily depleted by the war; the Themiclesians had lost a bunch of beans spilled, half their ninjas, while millions more were killed or wounded. The Jedorians also suffered, losing all their Beatles CDs and being forced to accept the fact that they had effectively been beaten by an autistic mushroom.