Themiclesian-Kolodorian Hyper War: Difference between revisions

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{{Infobox Military Conflict
{{Infobox Military Conflict
| conflict    =Themiclesian-Jedorian Hyper War of 4096 BCE
| conflict    = Themiclesian-Kolodorian Hyper War
| partof      = Pre-Sperg Era
| partof      = Hyper Era
| image      = [[File:Map_of_the_hyper_war.png|500px]]
| image      = [[File:ThemiKoloWar.jpg|400px]]
| caption    = Map of the two factions before the war
| caption    = Themiclesian soldier in Proto-Letnia
| date        = April 39 - January 2 4096 BCE
| date        = 23,119-22,899 BCE
| place      = [[Septentrion]], [[Xen]], [[11th Dimension]]
| place      = [[Septentrion]]
| territory  =  
| territory  =  
| status      = Status Quo Post Bellum
| status      =  
| result      = Status Quo Post Bellum <br> Dissolution of the Greater Jedorian Empire
| result      = Themiclesian Victory <br> Dissolution of the Kolodorian Dominion <br> Great De-synchronization
| combatant1  = [[Greater Themiclesian Space Empire]]
| combatant1  = {{flagicon image|ThemiCollective.png|22px}} Themiclesian Collective
| combatant2  = [[Grand Jedorian Collective]]
| combatant2  = {{flagicon image|KoloDominion.png|22px}} Kolodorian Dominion
| commander1  = Emperor Beans CLXVI <br> ProZD
| commander1  = {{flagicon image|ThemiCollective.png|22px}} Xi Shu
| commander2  = Commander Yprin Yukishuma <br> Bob the Builder
| commander2  = {{flagicon image|KoloDominion.png|22px}} Eisolos
| strength1  = 91 million ground troops <br> 500,000 ninjas <br> 23,000 starships <br> Beans Gang
| strength1  = 75 million hominids
| strength2  = 122 million conscripts <br> 300 Raptors <br> A whole Pirate ship <br> Patrick Star
| strength2  = 53 million ''homo sapiens''
| casualties1 = 12.3 million killed <br> 39.6 million wounded <br> 250,000 ninjas killed <br> Hundreds of Beans spilled
| casualties1 = 24 million hominids
| casualties2 = A Yellow Submarine <br> All the Lonely People <br> Additional Beatles References <br> Dignity
| casualties2 = 16 million ''homo sapiens''
| notes      =  
| notes      =  
}}
}}


The '''Themiclesian-Jedorian Hyper War of 4096 BCE''' was the most destructive and violent unarmed conflict in all of pre-recorded human history. Waged across every known dimension of space (and some unknown ones), the war lasted from April 39 to January 2 (14 September on the Mayan Calendar) and resulting in moon-shattering ramifications for both the [[Greater Themiclesian Space Empire]] and the [[Grand Jedorian Collective]], whom were the two primary combatants. Historians have traditionally divided the war intro three and a half phases; the Opening Moves, in which the Themiclesian Space Fleet was able to inflict defeat after defeat on the Jedorians, followed by the Middle Phase, when Jedorian counterattacks successfully spilled them beans, and the Endgame, which we are forbidden to speak of.
The '''Themiclesian-Kolodorian Hyper War''', also known as the '''Collective-Dominion War''', was an armed conflict fought between the pre-historic powers of [[Kolodoria]] and [[Themiclesia]], lasting from 23,119 to 22,899 BCE.  


Following a period of intermittent fighting that resulted in a stalemate for (t = (wa^5IQ/3G^(2/p)k^2R^5)) years, the Themiclesian discovery of the Halo Array proved instrumental in proving the Jedorian forces were actually just a bunch of pussies who gave up just because they all died.  
The root of the conflict lay in the competing ideological differences over definitions and concepts of humanity, and what constituted a human being. Themiclesian schools of thought predominantly favored the ''cognitive sapience'' view of humanity, in that any sapient being capable of recognizing, acknowledging, and adopting the social and legal customs of human civilization could be considered human. Kolodorian ideology instead favored a definition dependent on DNA; only those genetically human could be considered a human being and thus granted the rights and status of person hood. Although the two states had previously cooperated against the Neanderthal Empire in 50,000 BCE, Kolodorian efforts to drive the Neanderthal to extinction earned Themiclesian ire, resulting in a cold war between the two major powers of [[Septentrion]].  


The conflict in of itself is considered to mark the end of the Pre-Sperg Era, after which [[Septentrion]] became dominated by fags who think obsessing over line art is a suitable alternative for getting laid. The collapse of the Grand Jedorian Collective effectively ended what was widely considered the Jedorian Golden Age, as Jedoria would never recover and remains a shithole to this day. Themiclesia would rebound over who gives a fuck about Themiclesia.
As the {{wp|Last Glacial Period}} came to an end beginning in 30,000 BCE, increased population growth and resource scarcity drove the two powers into direct competition, which eventually culminated in open warfare beginning in 23,119 BCE. Themiclesia invaded Casaterra, land traditionally considered the domain of Kolodoria, resulting in large scale fighting across the continent. Kolodoria responded by invaded Meridia and staging attacks in Hemithea, including strikes against Themiclesia itself. Despite occasional Kolodorian victories however the larger Themiclesian bastion of population, resources, and industry gradually wore down Kolodorian efforts. By the 229th Century BCE Kolodoria had been forced to cede much of proto-[[Letnia]] and parts of Vinya to Themiclesia, with a final campaign against the heart of Kolodoria starting in 22,951 BCE. A depleted Dominion finally surrendered in 22,899 BCE, bringing an end to the conflict.


==Background==
Themiclesian victory proved to be a Pyrrhic one. Despite the efforts of the Collective, Themiclesia was unable to prevent the extinction of most other human species besides ''homo sapiens''. Only the Nekomimi of Meridia and the Elves of Vinya survived, which gradually were assimilated into the local human population and lost much of their unique culture and physiology. Exhausted by the war and ultimately disappointed by the aftermath, the Themiclesian Grand Council elected to launch the Great De-synchronization; the elimination of all advanced civilization across Septentrion and the removal of any trace of their existence. Approximately 95% of the archaic human population of the world elected to join the Grand Council in fleeing Septentrion aboard colony ships destined for the stars, while a small number remained behind to ensure humanity's survival. Knowledge of the Hyper War, and the civilizations that fought it, was quickly lost alongside their technology and resources.


The years prior to the war were dominated by the Jedorian-Theiclesian Cold Space War (Cold War in Space? Space Cold War?) as the two powers attempted to gain control over the Border World Xen, which would've allowed either side to gain a complete monopoly on shitty alt rock that Cozy insists on listening to for the entire fucking car ride. Prior to the official outbreak of hostilities, both sides engaged in numerous special operations efforts including the deployment of the Themiclesian 666th SS Orange Panzergrenadier Shock Marine Airborne Mechanized Infantry Division and the Jedorian 5th Cucks Battalion, neither of which accomplished jack shit, because FUCK SPECIAL FORCES.
[[Category:Kolodoria]][[Category:Themiclesia]]
 
==Outbreak==
 
The war officially began after the Jedorian Grand Collective uploaded a hilarious meme to Facebook that for some reason only got 6 likes even though it was fucking hilarious and should've gotten at least 20. Driven by desperation to finally get their ex to notice them again, the Jedorian Political and Morale Commander Yprin Yukishuma arranged a deal with Karen over custody of the children, which the Themiclesian Emperor Beans CLXVI was not made aware of. Outraged that Karen took the kids, Beans CLXVI promptly declared war on the Grand Jedorian Collective.
 
Fielding a giant fleet of 23,000 star ships against a Jedorian fleet of nothing, Themiclesia originally enjoyed a major advantage, able to submit Jedorian cities and industrial centers to orbital bombardments that the Jedorians had no defense against. The effectiveness of the orbital bombardment campaign was however limited since Themiclesian starships were only equipped with bean and water based weaponry, and Jedorian factories and cities were largely immune to beans and water balloons.
 
In early spring the Jedorians counterattacked by marching across Casaterra and invading the Themiclesian client state of Nukkodudeland, threatening to spill the war onto Themiclesian soil. Led by their voracious commander Bob the Builder, the Jedorians were able to push the Themclesians back to the walls of the Forbidden City.
 
==Stalemate==
 
Fighting far from their own supply lines however, Jedorian forces soon become bogged down in brutal urban combat against hardened Themiclesian veterans and lots of ninjas. Heavy fighting raged across Hemithea in tons of violent and epic clashes that would probably be really interested to read about, but I'm not getting paid by the word count so to sum it up: Boom boom bang! Bang bang boom bang! Ratatatatat! Kerpow! Kerpow! Boom!
 
Despite fighting well, a war of attrition favored Jedoria since Jedorian bitches could pump out babies faster than Themiclesians could (Balts outproducing Chinese? Crazy, right?). Realizing that a protracted conflict inevitably would end in a Jedorian victory, the Themiclesian Science and Youtube Minister ProZD began formulating a strategic move to capture the legendary Halo Array which would be able to turn the tide against the Jedorian onslaught.
 
==Discovery of the Halo Array==
 
To facilitate the discovery of the Halo Array, the Themiclesian Task Force Beans Gang was dispatched through the border world of Xen to search through various portals and shit to find and locate (isn't that the same thing, find and locate?) the Halo Array. After an exhaustive 11 minute search, Beans Gang located the Halo Array and was able to activate the super weapon, effectively annihilating the Jedorian armies and all life in the galaxy.
 
==Jedorian Retreat==
 
Faced with the fact that they were all dead, the Jedorians were forced to beat a hasty retreat back to their homeland of Vinya, their efforts hampered by the fact that they were all dead and it was physically impossible for them to do anything because once you're dead you're dead. Jedorian efforts to re-establish defensive lines in Casaterra were undermined by Themiclesian air power and the fact that all the Jedorians were dead. The Themiclesian advance was slowed however by three god damn seasons of filler episodes before finally the Jedorians were pushed back to the original pre-war borders.
 
==Ending and Aftermath==
 
Faced with the complete collapse of their war strategy and the fact that they were all dead, the Grand Jedorian Collective surrendered on 2 January 4096 BCE, effectively ending the war. Sporadic fighting would occur throughout Xen because nobody bothered to tell the forces there the fighting was over. Both sides were heavily depleted by the war; the Themiclesians had lost a bunch of beans spilled, half their ninjas, while millions more were killed or wounded. The Jedorians also suffered, losing all their Beatles CDs and being forced to accept the fact that they had effectively been beaten by an autistic mushroom.

Revision as of 07:16, 10 December 2021

Themiclesian-Kolodorian Hyper War
Part of Hyper Era
ThemiKoloWar.jpg
Themiclesian soldier in Proto-Letnia
Date23,119-22,899 BCE
Location
Septentrion
Result Themiclesian Victory
Dissolution of the Kolodorian Dominion
Great De-synchronization
Belligerents
Themiclesian Collective Kolodorian Dominion
Commanders and leaders
Xi Shu Eisolos
Strength
75 million hominids 53 million homo sapiens
Casualties and losses
24 million hominids 16 million homo sapiens

The Themiclesian-Kolodorian Hyper War, also known as the Collective-Dominion War, was an armed conflict fought between the pre-historic powers of Kolodoria and Themiclesia, lasting from 23,119 to 22,899 BCE.

The root of the conflict lay in the competing ideological differences over definitions and concepts of humanity, and what constituted a human being. Themiclesian schools of thought predominantly favored the cognitive sapience view of humanity, in that any sapient being capable of recognizing, acknowledging, and adopting the social and legal customs of human civilization could be considered human. Kolodorian ideology instead favored a definition dependent on DNA; only those genetically human could be considered a human being and thus granted the rights and status of person hood. Although the two states had previously cooperated against the Neanderthal Empire in 50,000 BCE, Kolodorian efforts to drive the Neanderthal to extinction earned Themiclesian ire, resulting in a cold war between the two major powers of Septentrion.

As the Last Glacial Period came to an end beginning in 30,000 BCE, increased population growth and resource scarcity drove the two powers into direct competition, which eventually culminated in open warfare beginning in 23,119 BCE. Themiclesia invaded Casaterra, land traditionally considered the domain of Kolodoria, resulting in large scale fighting across the continent. Kolodoria responded by invaded Meridia and staging attacks in Hemithea, including strikes against Themiclesia itself. Despite occasional Kolodorian victories however the larger Themiclesian bastion of population, resources, and industry gradually wore down Kolodorian efforts. By the 229th Century BCE Kolodoria had been forced to cede much of proto-Letnia and parts of Vinya to Themiclesia, with a final campaign against the heart of Kolodoria starting in 22,951 BCE. A depleted Dominion finally surrendered in 22,899 BCE, bringing an end to the conflict.

Themiclesian victory proved to be a Pyrrhic one. Despite the efforts of the Collective, Themiclesia was unable to prevent the extinction of most other human species besides homo sapiens. Only the Nekomimi of Meridia and the Elves of Vinya survived, which gradually were assimilated into the local human population and lost much of their unique culture and physiology. Exhausted by the war and ultimately disappointed by the aftermath, the Themiclesian Grand Council elected to launch the Great De-synchronization; the elimination of all advanced civilization across Septentrion and the removal of any trace of their existence. Approximately 95% of the archaic human population of the world elected to join the Grand Council in fleeing Septentrion aboard colony ships destined for the stars, while a small number remained behind to ensure humanity's survival. Knowledge of the Hyper War, and the civilizations that fought it, was quickly lost alongside their technology and resources.

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