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| The Vitosium Press
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September 1st, 2020
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| Vitosium Legalizes Marijuana
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The time has finally come, folks! Marijuana has been legalized in Vitosium! Yesterday, Prime Minister Vincent Gatostico gave the announcement during a press briefing after last week's meeting with the Supreme Court and the Cabinet. While Gatostico reportedly does not smoke marijuana himself, he has recognized the health benefits and made a move to help his citizens out, giving people another reason to choose him over Raymond Venancias any day.
Venancias, the previous Prime Minister that put Vitosium into an economic crisis, had this to say.
"He's clearly just pandering to the public," he said. "I never pandered and did whatever I could for my country. The man's a colossal failure, honestly."
Football player and known marijuana advocate, Mariano Vela, praised the efforts of Gatostico while chastising Venancias.
"At least Prime Minister Gatostico has been doing SOMETHING for this country," he stated. "In the span of two years, the economy has been increasing and he has re-introduced free health care. Venancias can't name anything he has done for the country and lies every-time he attempts to do so."
When asked about the legalization of marijuana in the country, Vela apologized for his rant and continued.
"Vitosium has needed this for so long and we are finally getting it," he told us. "Now we just need to make sure people aren't arrested for it."
Vitosians on social media celebrated the news.
"IMMA STERT A POT BUSNESS BOIIIIII," obnoxiouswannabe75 excitedly tweeted.
"WE DID IT BOIS! The green government lizards caved in and gave us more green!" tweeted ilovethecolourgreen3875.
"Got higher than the ceiling this morning and now I'm stuck on the roof. Please help!" a concerned greenalienboi5 tweeted.
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| Bona Fide Housewife Calls For Spin-Off
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On Bona Fide Housewives of Aplatta, people will remember current Housewife, Ana-Silva Nouveia, as the eccentric party girl who loves to gossip and start up drama. The former fan favourite spoke to talk show host, David Timbend, about how she wants her own spin off show.
"I don't know what you will call it," she said. "Maybe just Ana-Silva. The show will, obviously, focus on my family and fashion line. It'll give viewers a look into my life without my beef with Magalla."
Viewers will remember that, for the past four seasons, Nouveia and Magalla Moracoso have gotten into multiple arguments including a now infamous one from the latest season that saw the two women literally yelling at each-other in a restaurant. No words--just pure yelling. Their beef started back in 2017--Season 6--where Nouveia recorded a song with Moracoso, a pop star, only for Nouveia to try and claim all rights to the song. The following year, Moracoso won the rights to the song, leading to an already tense "friendship" shattering completely.
"I can confirm that I have been asked to come back for the 2021 season," she told us. "Same with Magalla, unfortunately. That doesn't mean I don't want my own spin off show where it is truly the Ana-Silva show."
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| Grillbob Burntpants Cancelled After 12 Years
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Yesterday evening, the official Twitter account for Grillbob Burntpants has announced that VTV will not be picking the show up for another season, ending its run after 12 years.
The former children show turned adult show, Grillbob Burntpants, was created by Gilio Bunopasso and premiered back in 2008 to children everywhere. The show starred the titular Grillbob Burntpants along with his friend, Adam Coal, and the now famous internet sensation, Rocky Sands, a literal rock. The cartoon started out innocently enough but, around Season 5--2013--the show became more and more bizarre, eventually becoming infamous for all the wrong reasons.
"I don't know where the show went wrong," producer Jack Fonnas told us. "The show just felt so right."
"This is my child," roared Gilio Bunopasso in an interview with David Timbend. "My child has now died a painful death!"
While the cartoon was rather bizarre, so was the creator of the show as well. Gilio Bunopasso has become a meme on the internet for his reckless stunt and weird ramblings while still showing that he can be a genius at writing.
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| Grillbob Burntpants Cancelled After 12 Years
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Many know the famous TV producer, Day Sommerville, for her work on many shows as well as creating Faded Dreams and Midnight Game. In an interview with talk show host, Miranda Tabiasso, Sommerville said this statement.
"Many people ask me what I am going to work on next," she started. "I have a few ideas of shows I can create."
When asked about that, Sommerville replied with this.
"Many people love Faded Dreams, which is still going on today," she said. "I would love to make another show but whether that would happen in 2021 is yet to be seen."
Sommerville, whose real name is Davina Joanna Rega, has worked on over ten shows at this point since 2003 with many of them lasting for years, including Faded Dreams, a beloved sitcom that began in 2006. We are excited to see what she works on in the future.
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| Pop Star Claims She Is Bored Of Making Pop Music
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May Cliffend, a children's TV show actress turned pop star, told us in an interview last night that she is ready to move on from making pop music.
"I have two albums," she told us. "I think that is enough. The thought of making more bores me."
When asked why, this was her response.
"Pop is out. Country is in," she said. "I want to make one country album and then become a famous rock star like my uncle."
This "uncle" she is referring to is Michael Bendino, a guitarist for Zaguna Waves.
"Let her do what she wants," Bendino said on Twitter. "She's a big girl with big ambitions. Stop telling her what she can and can't do!"
Social media, however, was split.
"YAAAAS!" istalkcelebrities65 tweeted. "Queen May working on country music is a big step up!"
"Stop acting like you're above it all!" tweeted mycomputersuxgivemoney194. "'The thought of making more bores me'. Get off your high horse!"
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| The Vitosium Press
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September 8th, 2020
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| Prime Minister Announces Plan To Maintain Biodiversity
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Yesterday, Prime Minister Vincent Gatostico signed the Marine Protection Act, which enables sustainable fishing and other commercial activities. The citizens of Vitosium are now able to enjoy recreational and cultural activities while preserving environmental health and the integrity of marine environments. Prime Minister Gatostico spoke to the press to address destructive practices in essential marine environments, including unsustainable harvesting of marine organisms, heavy tourist traffic, waste dumping, and industrial activities.
"Things need to change," he told the press. "The Marine Protection Act will reasonably restrict things like the dumping of waste and industrial activities including oil drilling and refinement".
The Sassarta Marine Research Facility applauded Gatostico's move, calling it something that Raymond Venancias, Gatostico's predecessor, would never do.
"Vincent knows what the country needs," research associate professor, Dr. Shane Vanisello stated. "This is the move in the right direction and, if we stuck with Venancias, I'm sure he would rather kill the ecosystem than do anything to save it. He did try to destroy the economy after all."
Prime Minister Vincent Gatostico also announced the Vitosian Committee for the Preservation of Marine Environments (VCPME) to oversee the protection of critical marine environments.
Regarding the press conference, this is what social media had to say.
"YAAAAS! Protect the fish or get the F@CK OUT!" tweeted Vitosian indie game developer, SeaLlamaHasTwitter.
"Why dose the cometee need such a fecking long name!" Justarebble tweeted.
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| Vitosium is Top 5 For Most Secular
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Over the past ten years, Vitosium has established itself as a mostly Atheist country. Now, as of this month, citizens can be pleased that the country is now top 5 in the world for "most secular", meaning "not subject to or bound by religious rule".
In 2008, John Patrick Longetti had ordered his cult, "Johnville", to rampage the streets and murder people deemed not worthy of Heaven. The massacre shook the nation as 5820 people were killed that night, leading to Longetti and his 7000 cult members to commit suicide upon his orders. Over the course of the next two years, the citizens turned against religion and, as of 2010, around 80% of the country vowed to never worship anybody to avoid another Johnville massacre.
"I lost my cousin in the 2008 massacre," tweeted Big Brother Season 4 winner, Shonee Valino. "I wasn't religious to begin with but she was and they still took her life because she was 'unworthy'."
In fact, Valino's cousin was more than just religious. Her cousin, Michelle Valino-Watt, was a pastor at the Saint Michael Presbyterian Church. She was on her way home when she was ambushed by eight Johnville cult members.
At this point, only 4% of the country is religious and are respected for that. After all, none of them could rise to the levels of insanity as John Patrick Longetti.
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| Appia Releases Sixth Album
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Pop sensation, Appia, whose real name is Apella Sanguinelli, released her sixth album, "Here I Am", three days ago to an enormous fanfare from the country. The 34 year old, who is married to interior designer, Sofia Sarti, told the press that she hopes to inspire the next generation of pop stars with this album. Songs like "Give" and "Hurricane" have led to many to open up about their pasts and thank Appia for the songs in question.
"My mom was a fantastic person but the same can't be said about my dad", Appia told the press. "Hurricane tells my story of how my sister and I overcame the trauma received from him and not let it consume us."
While many know that Appia's mother is Rachelle Sinato, the inventory of the uplift bra, she has told nothing about her father until the album's release. Famous fashion designer, Rachelle Sinato, had this to say.
"All I will say is that their dad's name was Collin," she said. "He contacted me last year and tried to somehow blackmail Apella and Mariella due to how successful they have become. He is just jealous that he can never be in their lives again."
Appia's sister and famous fashion designer, Guinelle, whose real name is Mariella Salley, had this to say.
"Appia has been a mega inspiration to many people, including myself," she told us. "I'm glad her music and charity foundations made a difference."
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| Cely Maria Announces Retirement
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Cely Maria, who is most known as the host of Love Sanctuary and Vitosium's Next Top Model, has announced her retirement.
Cely, whose real name is Celina-Marie Talini, began modelling when she was only 16. Nine years later, she had her acting debut as Stacey Chambers in the cult comedy hit, Revenge of the College Dropouts. Her success as a model led some EBTV producers to jumpstart Vitosium's Next Top Model in 2013 with her as the host. Four years later, she was approached again and became the host of Love Sanctuary.
While social media has questioned her decision to retire at 42, others feel like she has enough money to retire.
"Love Sanctuary won't be the same without her," Season 1 winner, Brandon Ceresy, tweeted.
EBTV has already began searching for a new host to replace her with many suspecting Joni Via to take her place.
"Joni Via is the obvious answer!" tweeted lovesanctuaryfan28485.
"THE BEAUTIFUL AND STUNNING JONI VIA NEEDS TO BE NEW HOST!!!!!" tweeted Jordanhasnolife248.
Joni Via is an energetic actress who made her debut in 2012 and has been in over ten movies since then. With her being in everybody's minds, there is a possibility that she could replace Cely Maria as the host of Love Sanctuary. What about Vitosium's Next Top Model? At the moment, nobody knows if the show will even continue without her.
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| The Vitosium Press
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September 15th, 2020
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| Prime Minister Focuses on Ensuring Effectual Recycling
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In a press conference yesterday, Prime Minister Keito Gatostico, who had just announced the Marine Protection Act last week, now introduced the Effectual Recycling Act.
"Due to a rapid economic growth, a larger volume of waste has been produced," he said. "Promoting and mandating recycling could reduce waste and prevent it from contaminating our ecosystem even further."
He went on to say that waste, specifically "recyclable waste", can be safely reprocessed into a material or product that can be reused for a practical purpose such as in manufacturing. He hopes this act can raise awareness of recycling as a method to reuse waste, encourage inhabitants and businesses to use recycling centres to recycle recyclable waste and promote the usage or purchase of items made from recycled materials.
Regarding the press conference, this is what social media had to say.
"YAAAAS! Protect the environment or get the F@CK OUT!" tweeted Vitosian indie game developer, SeaLlamaHasTwitter.
"THIS is what a good Prime Minister looks like," tweeted mystandardsarelow234.
"What about te anoying geesew?! how can i thro sit at them if im baned!!! FAKE!!!" tweeted dujeejhdjejrt8534868697.
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| Three Stabbed in Downtown Ovavo
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| Ovavo police have made an arrest in an apparent random act of violence in the downtown core. Two men and one woman were stabbed in the Bayshore downtown district of Ovavo, Maydover Island. Police Chief Nadia Renetto told the press that it’s just the latest in a series of crimes that have downtown residents nervous.
Controversial VidTuber, MaydoverPrinceLord, recorded the attack as Michael Chambers (27), unprovoked, attacked Adam Krevin (32), Mia Cobo (46) and Tobino Paranta (41). However, it was another witness, Cameron Calotaro, who called the cops. Other witnesses joined and managed to subdue Chambers as the police arrived. The youtuber, whose real name is Russell Cotao, refused to hand over the video evidence, claiming that his audience "deserved to see it before the whole country", leading to his arrest for obstruction of justice and the phone being confiscated into police custody.
As for the victims, Krevin is in critical condition while Cobo and Paranta are expected to leave the hospital within a week. Diana Krevin, Adam's mother, told the press this morning that he was on his way to his accounting job when the attack happened. She is glad that her son is still alive and hopes that he can be on a speedy recovery.
This is what social media had to say.
"MPL AND CHAMBERS WORKED TOGETHER! HOW CAN NOBODY SEE THAT?!" tweeted FrickFunk38475.
"WHO STABS PEOPLE FOR NO REASON?!" iaskgoodquestions847 tweeted.
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| The Vitosium Press
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?, 2020
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| The Vitosium Press
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?, 2020
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